Vulnerable.

For the first time in a while, I am vulnerable, in so many ways.
I despise being vulnerable.
Perhaps that is why I keep a distance from people because I am afraid. I am afraid of losing people, rejection, and most of all dissapointment. I keep myself distant because I feel that when people become to close, things become complicated. I cannot learn to love someone because I am afraid that my actions will greatly influence their daily feelings. I am afraid to show certain emotions because people will be able to see the weaker side of me. Perhaps, it is because I have too much pride. Perhaps it is because my own mother has seen me cry and hurt so many times that I cannot stand the act of being ridiculed for being weak no longer. I push away guys who try to get to close to me because sometimes I don't feel worthy enough or simply strong enough to rely on someone else. I am independent, I like to do things my way. Perhaps I can be characterized as being "cold" and "impersonal" but I despise humiliation and failure. I need things to be concrete, to know it all, and not leave much left for guessing. Perhaps that is why I cannot have a true relationship. Liking someone is unpredictable, and often too much trust is put into the other. So I try, I try to stay away from being vulnerable; I try to put a shield, a wall to somehow deter all vulnerabilities.

But, instead I fail.
I become vulnerable and even more fragile. It becomes hard to learn how to deal with these letdowns in life, instead I have dug myself a deeper hole. For the first time in a while, I have felt true failure, utter dissapointment and rejection. I have done things I shoudlnt' have done first semester. As a result, i feel stupid, guilty and naive.

I became cocky.
I thought I was invincible, nothing would ever affect me as long as I was in control. Nothing could bring me down, nothing could hurt me, nothing could affect me. I slipped, I fell and I fell hard.Nothing prepared me for this; I for the first time realized my mistakes. I've realized I need to become more open to people and accept love when it comes my way.

Friendships and relationships are built on vulnerability. A chance is taken when you become a friend or companion. Relationships often mean hurt, dissapointment, and rejection but they can also mean happiness, love and pure bliss. You take the chance because sometimes the chance at happiness even if it is for a second outweighs the odds for sorrow. It is because everyone wants to be happy regardless of the length of happiness; everyone wants to love and be loved. It is in human nature; we are nurturing and understanding. I've realized you cannot live your life without taking chances, without allowing yourself to be hurt, to be ashamed and to be humiliated. It is all part of the journey to happiness.

with that i leave you these words:

Happiness is a journey not a destination.

things. all sorts of things.

screaming. screaming. screaming.
I'm confused.

I believe there are three ways people live their lives. There are those who are strong in their ways and rely on structure, those who adapt and flow with everything given to them and those who are just inbetween. It has always baffled me when people tell me they have a plan for everything; they live their lives according to plan from the time they wake up in the morning to the last morsel of food they put in their mouths. Then there are the people who are so calm and accepting in I have always wondered how it would be to have a life of normality, daily structure and stability. I, on the other hand, do not have a plan

i'll finish this later