peace

Window of Opportunity

French Fries, Dumplings, & Wonton Soup : The Art of being Chinese American

Chamerica. The land and home of the Chinese American. It is a place that we can call home; a place that is simply created for us. Chinglish. It’s national language of the Chamerica; the perfect unity between the Chinese and English language. Food? We eat french fries, hamburgers, rice, dumplings, and wonton soup. Chamerican food is the perfect medley between Chinese and American cuisine. We live in the world of cultural fusion.

Now, you may be asking yourself, why exactly do we need a land of our own?

Because we belong nowhere. Perhaps it is because we can identify with both worlds, but, perhaps it is because we cannot fully identify with both worlds as well. A Chinese American is the solid unity between Chinese and America having grown up with both Chinese and American traditions. In America, we are Chinese first, always identified as “Chinese American”. However, in China, we are identified as “American Born Chinese” otherwise known as “ABC".

As a child, I’ve often struggled with racial identity and my own self identity. Because racial and cultural identity play such a large role in a person’s self understanding, it was hard to see where I belonged. I grew up in a strict Chinese household with rules and traditions that go back generations ago. I was different than others my own age; I had different values, morals and views . In a sense, I essentially missed out on an American childhood. In a Chinese household, education and respect for elders is priority. In grade school, homework and extra homework given to us by our lovely teachers and parents had to be finished before going outside to play. After that there was the hour long piano practice, private violin lessons, art lessons, and of course room cleaning. And then there was singing lessons, private tutors, and more extra homework. And by the time all the tasks were finished and done to my mother’s perfectionist standards, all the kids on my block had already gone home so they could eat dinner and do homework. I swear my mother made it impossible for me to ever a social life.

The clash of two cultures followed me throughout grade school, middle school, and high school. I grew up very confused as to where I belonged and wondering why I was so different from my friends. I would wonder to myself "Why can't I be like everyone else?" There would be days where I would wish to myself that I was white and not Chinese. I hated being different and simply wanted the life of others. As I grew older, I began to appreciate my differences, as cliché as that sounds, and came to realize that my strengths were my "abnormalities". My work ethic, dedication to school and morals were the product of my immigrant parents. However, I never truly understood my culture and the pride that I have of my culture until this summer.

to be continued..

Letting go.

Taking the Initative

It's all about taking the initiative, the strive, ambition and how badly you want it.
If you want it bad enough, it'll happen.
It's about taking what you have and making the best of it.
It's about finding a new direction, a path, a perspective, and discovering the possibilities.
It's about taking the first step, and running until you can't run anymore, and starting your own path.


It's about taking initiative.

Riding off into the Sunset

Just Fly Away

Finding Inspiration

Seeking inspiration-isn't that something we all do daily? We seek to be inspired, to be motivated, to be moved & changed by something, anything.

But what happens when we lose that inspiration?

Rest In Peace, 爷爷`

我永远会想你。 谢谢你。我爱你。

For the first time in a while, I have no words to say.
My mind is blank and my heart is numb.

Thankful

Today, I realized how incredibly thankful and proud to have my parents by my side. Despite the emotional roller coasters from all of their tough love tactics and Asian upbringings, I can happily say that they are my biggest role models in life.

If I could simply amount to what they have accomplished, I would be eternally happy.

I should tell them.

Freedom

Self acceptance is the key to true liberation.

Words

i enjoy writing.

Satisfaction: Is it real?

Satisfaction.
the contentment one feels when one has fulfilled a desire, need, or expectation

Can long term satisfaction be real? or is it merely a fragment of one's imagination?

Sometimes I believe that there is never true satisfaction within our life. I mean, yes, there are small satisfactions, lets call them instant gratifications, you get an A on a test you studied hours for, you're in food coma status after finishing Thanksgiving dinner, you, etc. The list goes on and on. There are others that bring you longer moments of happiness like landing your dream job, becoming financially well off, having a family, etc.

So what constitutes satisfaction? Is it happiness? Is it getting everything you want or is it accepting the way everything is through a positive perspective? Can you fufill everything you want in life, every expectation, need or desire?

If satisfaction is accepting things for the way they are and being content about it, then doesn't that denote the single reason behind mankind? It would mean that we would forever be happy and content with our situation as it is. We, as humans are born with a thirst for the" whys" and "hows", of everything surrounding us. We learn to strive to achieve the next big thing that would revolutionize our lives.

Achieving satisifaction is what drives society, its what motivates our doctors, lawyers, scientists, artists, business people, given that every reason is different. whether it be knowing that you made a contribution to the world, changing the way people view things, achieving financial stability, etc.

Satisfaction sure can be addicting. Its what drives us but it is only temporary before we move onto the next big thing. I belive no one can ever be satisfied about one thing forever. Finding the next satisfaction is how we live.


So, without dissatisfaction, where would we be?

Vulnerability.

Vulnerable.

For the first time in a while, I am vulnerable, in so many ways.
I despise being vulnerable.
Perhaps that is why I keep a distance from people because I am afraid. I am afraid of losing people, rejection, and most of all dissapointment. I keep myself distant because I feel that when people become to close, things become complicated. I cannot learn to love someone because I am afraid that my actions will greatly influence their daily feelings. I am afraid to show certain emotions because people will be able to see the weaker side of me. Perhaps, it is because I have too much pride. Perhaps it is because my own mother has seen me cry and hurt so many times that I cannot stand the act of being ridiculed for being weak no longer. I push away guys who try to get to close to me because sometimes I don't feel worthy enough or simply strong enough to rely on someone else. I am independent, I like to do things my way. Perhaps I can be characterized as being "cold" and "impersonal" but I despise humiliation and failure. I need things to be concrete, to know it all, and not leave much left for guessing. Perhaps that is why I cannot have a true relationship. Liking someone is unpredictable, and often too much trust is put into the other. So I try, I try to stay away from being vulnerable; I try to put a shield, a wall to somehow deter all vulnerabilities.

But, instead I fail.
I become vulnerable and even more fragile. It becomes hard to learn how to deal with these letdowns in life, instead I have dug myself a deeper hole. For the first time in a while, I have felt true failure, utter dissapointment and rejection. I have done things I shoudlnt' have done first semester. As a result, i feel stupid, guilty and naive.

I became cocky.
I thought I was invincible, nothing would ever affect me as long as I was in control. Nothing could bring me down, nothing could hurt me, nothing could affect me. I slipped, I fell and I fell hard.Nothing prepared me for this; I for the first time realized my mistakes. I've realized I need to become more open to people and accept love when it comes my way.

Friendships and relationships are built on vulnerability. A chance is taken when you become a friend or companion. Relationships often mean hurt, dissapointment, and rejection but they can also mean happiness, love and pure bliss. You take the chance because sometimes the chance at happiness even if it is for a second outweighs the odds for sorrow. It is because everyone wants to be happy regardless of the length of happiness; everyone wants to love and be loved. It is in human nature; we are nurturing and understanding. I've realized you cannot live your life without taking chances, without allowing yourself to be hurt, to be ashamed and to be humiliated. It is all part of the journey to happiness.

with that i leave you these words:

Happiness is a journey not a destination.

things. all sorts of things.

screaming. screaming. screaming.
I'm confused.

I believe there are three ways people live their lives. There are those who are strong in their ways and rely on structure, those who adapt and flow with everything given to them and those who are just inbetween. It has always baffled me when people tell me they have a plan for everything; they live their lives according to plan from the time they wake up in the morning to the last morsel of food they put in their mouths. Then there are the people who are so calm and accepting in I have always wondered how it would be to have a life of normality, daily structure and stability. I, on the other hand, do not have a plan

i'll finish this later

my chest hurts.
my chest hurts.
is it going to spill?
i don't know
i don't know
perception is to change, the world, and evyerhting in its self.
you are to change, to become the best, the unimaginable,
the highest level of them all, yourself.
you are to learn, to understand, to know, all that encompasses
the truths of life.
you will, you will know, you will know it all
soon, the futures of life will appear
perhaps someday
you will learn to love
to appreciate, and to allow letdowns
more than anyone, you will fall the hardest
but perhaps it is the best
to live, love and hurt
in order to live love and learn
pain is okay
pain is fine
my chest hurts
its in pain
my heart hurts
i love you
i miss you
fly soar above the sky
you will fly


my chest hurts
it still hurts
make it stop
ow.



thats what she said

My eyes are dry.

perhaps it is the years that have gone by, perhaps it is the weeks that have dissapeared, the days missing, hours faded, and seconds dissolved.
but.
things are different, so different, in fact that all cannot remain true and pure. it is so different that the world in its reality becomes a circus world.
here, there, everywhere. it is all around us.
we become one of chaos of desolate of sorrow of confusion.
it is a circus.
why aren't things the same?
why did they change?
black or white?
right or left?
this remains the questions
questions of the future .
a time machine in its self.
perhaps we will never know

So what?

So I should probably be doing my 8 page essay that is due tommrow, but clearly i am not.
I've decided to make this blog because I want to document my life. I feel like these past few months in college have been pretty crazy: full of surprises, mistakes, life changing experiences. I've met so many different people, I've seen so much more than I could have ever in the little town of Bridgewater. I want to write a memoir, I want people to know that it is okay, it is normal to feel some of the things that I've felt over the past few months. Perhaps, I want to write this memoir as a confession & relieving the thoughts & emotions I've felt throughout these few years. Sometimes, its just easier to express it through words than speaking. soooo. i suppose that's all, i have 1 page of my essay. ishould get going.

CL